Mommy War (Ugh, Good God) What is it good for?

So picture this... you are 5 months preg, just dropped your 2.5 year old off at day school and you are going to take your 15 month old daughter for a late mommy and me breakfast at a local diner. You are having an amazing time (for once it's just the two of you) and she is being an angel. Then all of the sudden a woman walks up to you and says "you're disgusting" and walks away. So you are completely shocked. Because in real life, you are a hot mom who keeps her stuff together and you are side lined by this comment. Then her husband appears and says "I'm sorry, but my wife feels very strongly about children eating off of the table." Then he leaves. This actually happened to a friend of mine who is the complete opposite of disgusting. It made me so angry that on another of many occasions, moms are out there judging each other instead of supporting one another.

Judging is something that is easy to do. As a mom I pretty much constantly feel judged. No one ever looks at the way a child is acting and thinks "wow, that dad sure doesn't know how to parent." I mostly expect (and can easily brush off) judgement from non parents. Before I had kids, I was a parent judging machine. I had an answer for every parenting dilemma, especially when it came to toddlers and tantrums. (Those were always the parent's fault.) But here I am, older and wiser and I know that non parents have NO IDEA and I've been there, so really that doesn't bother me. What gets me is that moms are fighting all of these battles against each other when we are the ones who KNOW how hard it is to be a mom. I go out of my way when I see other moms to tell them their kids are precious, or ask them if they need a hand, or smile as big as a non crazy person can at them. I would love to give them a hug and tell them they are doing a great job, but that would just be creepy. 

This is why I don't own an ironing board.

Moms fight about breastfeeding I think more than anything else. Especially online. Breastfeeding is HARD. That is the truth for most women. I have some friends who took to it very naturally with their babies, I had others who had to work their asses off to make it natural, I have others who only supplemented with breast milk, and still others who knew when they were pregnant that breastfeeding was not something they wanted to do. My cousin still occasionally breast feeds her 2 year old. Guess what? All of our babies are healthy and happy because their moms made the best decision for them. GO MOMS! 

Both of these women are good moms.

 If someone asks me about breastfeeding, I level with them about my experience. One month of direct breastfeeding, and 6 months of exclusive pumping due to a latch issue. Was it tiring and awful and difficult? Yes. Do I regret doing it? No. I wanted to quit lots of times, but I had a three day rule. If I ever wanted to quit three days in a row, on the fourth day I would. I never made it past one day. Then I offer them a support system if they want it, because I think it is nearly impossible to breastfeed when you don't have one. You know what makes it harder to breastfeed? Judgement from other moms who think you aren't trying hard enough or aren't doing a good enough job. I have heard a lot from people who were turned off of breastfeeding in the hospital by an overly critical lactation consultant. In the end, as good as breast milk is for a baby, the most important thing for a baby is a healthy and happy mommy. On a side note, I was a formula baby and without formula, this blog would not be coming to you.

Now that I think about it, probably in a direct tie with breastfeeding is working moms vs stay at home moms. Some moms have to work, some moms choose to work, some moms have to stay at home, some moms choose to stay at home. Why do we have to be so angry with each other about it? As a mom who works part time, I will say that some days I am more than happy to skip off to work and not have to be on toddler watch all day. Other days I am stressed and don't have enough time in the morning to cook breakfast for me and my daughter and get out of the door on time. Then I come home and go right into dinner, bath, bed routine and miss any play time and S and I are both exhausted when it comes to thinking about cooking dinner. Some days I stay home are a dream. L and I are in synch and she is laughing and playing all day. We get chores and errands done, we start dinner early and the house is clean. Then other days she won't let me out of her sight. She doesn't want to eat what she normally eats, she is testing limits all day long and throwing tantrums, and I just want to close her bedroom door and lay on the floor while she plays around me. (that has happened many times.) It's hard to go to work AND it's hard to stay at home because it is hard to be a mom. And wherever you are during the day, you are still a mom and that is tough stuff. 

Back to the start of this post, moms are very judgmental about other children in restaurants. I am constantly nervous when I am eating out with L. We met S for lunch one day and L was making a mess on the floor and a woman was giving her the stink eye. A grown woman was giving a one year old baby side eye. But really, it was side eye at me. When someone figures out how to teach a 12 month old to eat neatly and not spill on the floor, please let me know so I can steal the information and become rich. It's already costing us more cash to eat out with L because I always leave some cash on the high chair for the poor schlub who has to clean the floor. And yes, sometimes your child eats off of the table, because when you put her food on a plate she wants to see what is under the plate, and when you put her food on a napkin, she wants to use the napkin to show you she can wipe her hands. Kids also eat dirt, so I'm pretty sure eating off of the table isn't that bad. 

Here is where there is a shift though. You cannot help your child throwing a fit in a restaurant, and you can't help that they aren't coordinated enough to get the food directly to their mouth and no where else. Where lots of parents get a bad rep is when they are sitting and enjoying their meal while their children are disrupting others. These are the times when you realize you will only have children this age for a little while, you take one for the team, and you pick up your screaming, thrashing child and walk outside so you can calm them down in a less overstimulating area. And if they don't calm down you get your food to go. Been there, done that. Know your kids and how much they can stand. 

Enjoying your meal?

  I've never been more relaxed at a restaurant than on Mother's Day when we had brunch at one of our favorite places Haven. It was a mother's day brunch and every single table had a baby or a toddler. Moms were happy, the champagne was flowing, and if a child cried, we all got it. Life should be like mother's day brunch.

Here's to mother's day! Let's do it once a month.

 As much as you hate to see someone get on the plane with a baby, I'm willing to bet the person with the baby feels worse. They know that everyone is looking at them thinking "please don't sit near me" and then they inevitably sit next to one of the people who was thinking that. Planes are hard. There's pressure and strange sounds and noises and strange people. Moms needs support on planes. I really want to hug moms on planes. I've been there. The first time Landon flew it was just the two of us. Shout out to the fine people at Delta and the makers of the iPad for making that flight a dream. A crying baby on a plane can sometimes just not be helped. It's not like the parent is sitting there pinching their child. What can be helped? Older kids on planes. If a child on a plane is kicking the seat in front of them and the parent is doing nothing, then yes, feel free to judge that parent. Or just be like my friend H and turn around and say "no, no, little boy. Kicking seats is not polite." I like to picture this happening in my head because I wish I was there. 

iPad airplane magic can also be had with the Kindle Fire and a portable DVD player.

Here is the long awaited conclusion... moms need other moms. It's hard to be a parent and you get pressure from everyone to have perfect angel children. But that just isn't life. What we need to realize is that we all take shortcuts so that we can stay sane. Maybe you put your kid on a leash, maybe I bought my baby an iPad so I would feel better about traveling with her. When you see a mom at the store who might be a little too harsh with her child, maybe she is having a horrible day. You never know what someone else is going through. Maybe I'm not going to race across the room when L picks a cheerio up off of the floor and eats it. It's just a cheerio and it's just the floor. 

We are all doing what we need to do and we are all doing the best that we can. We are making the decisions that we have to make for ourselves and our families. So really, next time you see a mom out with her kids, give her some support. Smile, help her out if she needs it, or be extra strange and give her a high five. At the very least, if you can't say anything nice (I'm looking at you the "you're disgusting" lady) just keep it to yourself and don't say anything at all. 

So here's to moms of all shapes and sizes, raising children who are theirs by blood or not, and awesome dads too. Let's all give each other a break and then give each other a hand and then give each other a cocktail.

-RT