POP UP RECIPE: Elvis and Bacon

An Evlis My Little Pony Unicorn = The end of the world is near

It's the 35th anniversary of the day that Elvis died... or did he? Either way, here is a not at all healthy sandwich to commemorate this day. When it comes to celebrating milestones (two days in a row no less) we add butter and we fry things. It's time to take one for the team and go to town on a sandwich inspired by one of the King's favorites. I don't know if he did his exactly this way, we just don't talk as much as we used to.

Fried Peanut Butter, Banana, & Bacon Sandwich

Ingredients:

(2) Slices of white bread

Butter (room temp)

Creamy Peanut Butter

1 Lightly spotted (for sweetness) Banana

4 Slices of Bacon

Honey (optional)

Fry your bacon until it's nice and crispy. I repeat, NOTHING is healthy about this except for the bananas. 

Place the fried bacon on a plate with some paper towels to catch the grease.

Butter your bread like you are making a grilled cheese sandwich. I just butter one side, but feel free to take it to the next level and do both. Spread the peanut butter on the non buttered side of each slice, add the thinly sliced banana to both sides. Layer the bacon and close. If you wanted to add some honey you would do that on top of the bacon or banana.

Then you just treat it like an actual grilled cheese sandwich and put it in a preheated pan, flipping it until both sides are golden brown. 

Slice in half and eat immediately. Also, gain 5lbs immediately. 

On a somewhat related note, does anyone else think that Paris Jackson (Michael Jackson's "daughter") looks like Lisa Marie Presley? Let's start some new conspiracy theories. 

This:

+

a donation from some random white guy (possibly him):

MJ's Dermatologist

=

Just saying...

Y'all, don't turn into Fat Elvis. Eat these bacon dream sandwiches in moderation (like once every 5 years). You know, after you have some lobster. 

-RT

"T" is for Toddlers and Tantrums and Trying to Survive. It is.

"T": it's not just for timeout anymore. Word.

 Remember when you first found out you were pregnant and you couldn't talk about it with anyone who was a real female person so you talked about it with the Internet? (Oh, did I forget to say this is a post for people with lady parts? It is.) When you first get the double pink line, or the cross, or the digital pregnancy message, or your dr's office calls after you go in for a blood test and is like "by the way you are pregnant" (wait, what?) this might be the first step in your relationship with babycenter.com. After surviving my 1st trimester of silence, I was pretty sure that pregnant women didn't ever need to ask the internet questions. And you know how much I love to do that. When you are pregnant internet questions go something like this:

Q: I'm pregnant and I have a cold. Which medicines should I take?
Internet: Once when I was pregnant I thought I had a cold. Turns out I had herpes. Go get an STD test.

Q: I'm pregnant and feel like I might be sick. Is this just morning sickness?
Internet: Once when I was pregnant I felt sick. It turns out I had cancer. Call your doctor immediately.

Q: I'm pregnant and want to have some coffee. Is that ok?
Internet: Once when I was pregnant I had coffee and then my baby had three legs and one nipple. Drink water and only water.

Q: I'm pregnant and accidentally had some alcoholic punch. What should I do?
Internet: OMFG YOU ARE GOING TO HELL AND YOUR BABY IS COMPLETELY F&(#ED!! I'm calling social services.

The Google Devil will eat your unborn child

 Seriously. When it comes to health, the internet is not your friend. You know who is your friend? Your doctor. BUT anyway, before I went off on yet another tangent, we were talking about the center for babies, also know as BabyCenter.com. (Stay out of the chat board things. People are crazy.) They send you these fancy weekly emails when you are preggo talking about how your baby is the size of a Nordic Autumn Fruit (right) and growing fingernails inside of your stomach. Or uterus. Whatever. 

Where does this baby grow??

 What I didn't know when I signed up for these is that they keep going. You get weekly updates about your baby and now I am the lucky recipient of toddler updates. (I know, don't get too jealous.) Ever since L reached 15 months, the theme of most of these emails is tantrums. The timing is spot on. Girlfriend is all about frustrated communication and having an opinion. 

What? The cat doesn't want me to pet it? TO THE FLOOR!!!!

I'm not going to tell you how to fix toddler tantrums. I am in no way qualified to do so. But you know what is an even bigger joke than my upcoming tantrum techniques? The advice babycenter gave me today. 

"My 15 month old, week 4".....When your toddler throws a full-blown screaming fit in the middle of the grocery store, you may want to hide behind the toilet paper display – but rest assured that other parents feel your pain. The most useful response is to take your child out of the store (even if it means leaving a cart full of food behind) and sit with him until he finishes crying. Staying calm and offering lots of hugs and kisses can help. 

The first part makes sense. No toddler in the middle of a full blown tantrum is going to be able to calm down in an overstimulating environment like the grocery store or a restaurant. It's the next part that gets me. In my 6 weeks of tantrum boot camp, I have found that hugs and kisses are like gasoline on the tantrum fire of life. Here are the helpful photos provided:

Love me through it... GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEE!

"Leave me alone you stupid Mommy!"

 Actually, almost anything I try to do does not fix the tantrum. Well, unless the reason for the tantrum is because she wants to be picked up. We all know the final solution to that. Sometimes it is not available. The last two weeks I have employed a different strategy. I talk to L like she is a grown adult, and let her know that she needs to go to her room and have some emotional time to herself. It's kind of hilarious, but I don't laugh. I pick her up (while she thrashes) and bring her to her room. I find a soft and safe place on the floor (she likes to writhe around during tantrums) and put her down. Then I let her know to come find me when she is ready and I walk away. Also, I am not under any illusion that she understands a word I am saying. I just have to say SOMETHING and so I might as well say that.

The thing is, it works like a magic trick. Tantrums are SO much more fun when someone is watching. Like magic unicorn rainbow fun. When someone is not watching.. eh, not so cool. She finishes her cry, then gets up and comes to find me. Like a new little baby who had her emo time and is ready for something else.

This is a tantrum when someone is watching.

It's like a whole new two weeks. Now when a tantrum is near, I just walk away, out of sight. Change of focus, change of direction, baby follows. This has become especially effective when we have to come in from outside. It's 101 degrees outside with 90%  humidity. I can't breathe, but for Landon, we might as well live in SoCal. When we come inside I become the worst person she has ever met in her very short life. But then I walk away and you know what is cooler than being outside?? Finding mommy. 

Really, who the hell knows anything? My life with baby has been trial and error. When I figure something out, it only takes a few weeks for it to stop working or for something new to pop up. That's why "T" is also for Trying to Survive... Kids or not, isn't that what we are all doing on some days? 

The following also solve Landon's tantrums when I don't have time to be a good parent and take her to her room: Elmo, the cat, going back outside, Elmo, the wagon, Sesame Street, the ipad, and especially Elmo's world. Just a quick little 10 minute Elmo break and toddler is good as gold.

By the way, the internet and I made up after Landon was born. We agreed to never talk about SIDS, but we chatted about baby baths, sleep training, rules for breast milk, switching to formula, and our newest BFF diapers.com lives on the internet, so we've all started drinking from our matching mugs again.

You know who got this for me? The internet.

Right now, O is for the Olympics and G is for Gymnastics. Hopefully, T is really for Tantrum free Tuesday with a Toddler. Check it.

-RT

Ignorance is Bliss. So is Stir Fry.

Hello Internet. My name is RT and I'm a Sugar Addict. I know this because I took a quiz online and the results confirmed my suspicions. I also took a quiz online that said I was going to die at 92, so it's totally fine that I have a sugar addiction. If you have been reading along you know that I have a thing for nestle fudge ice cream drumsticks right now. It started out as a fling and was on it's way to becoming a full fledged relationship. I was making special trips to pick him up, we had a date almost every night, and sometimes he slept over (in the freezer). 

Hey there handsome fella.

Then I made a big mistake... I broke into his phone and read his texts! Wait... I mean I actually looked at the nutrition label. I had clearly been telling myself lies, as one sometimes does in a hot and heavy relationship. I could no longer ignore what was staring me right in the face.... 300 calories per drumstick. That, my friends, is much more than just one glass of wine. Well, unless it's this glass:

Seriously, someone buy me this.

And the story gets even more sorted. Sometimes I went back for seconds. On one lonely day during nap time, I skipped lunch in favor of three drumsticks. It was getting bad. I knew it had to come to an end. The calorie information is the last straw and, well, I wanted you all to know it's over. Our relationship was much better before I knew all of the facts. Now I just feel like a cheap, dirty sugar addict with no self control. So I came home to do one of my favorite things, ask google questions. "Google," I asked, "am I a sugar addict?" Google found a handy quiz for me. It is true/false. Let's review.

1. I don’t eat refined sugar every day These answers are complicated. Usually, FALSE. Fine. FALSE

2. I can go more than a day without eating some kind of sugar-containing food If I try, I can. But I don't try. So I'm going to give myself a False.

3. I never have cravings for sugar, coffee, chocolate, peanut butter or alcohol Just False. FALSE FALSE FALSE.

4. I’ve never hidden sweets around the house so I can eat them later Like in the bathroom? Hidden from whom? I'm pretty sure this is TRUE

5. I can stop after eating one bite of pastry or one piece of candy What are the circumstances? Is there a gun to my head? I guess I can, even though I usually don't want to, so TRUE.

6. There are times when I have no sugar around the house When I eat it all or when I'm trying to lose weight. Does fruit count? Because it shouldn't. TRUE.

7. I can have sweets in the house without eating them So in this scenario, do I have PMS? That would really change this answer. But TRUE.

8. I can go at least 3 hours without eating without shakes, fatigue or bad moods I didn't know we were getting this serious. But also, I have a 15 month old. I am always fatigued. So I need to tie in the food and the fatigue? I'm so fatigued by this quiz. TRUE.

9. I do not eat something sweet after every meal Harsh. This question is harsh. And the statement is FALSE. Because special K red berries is like eating candy for breakfast. Be honest. It is.

10. I rarely drink coffee or eat donuts or sweet rolls for breakfast Is this TRUE? yes. I don't drink coffee. Do I wish I had donuts and sweet rolls for breakfast often? Yes.

11. I can go more than an hour after waking without eating TRUE

12. I don’t drink sweetened soft drinks every day TRUE. I really do believe that diet soda in particular is the devil and will lead you to an early death. When something has zero calories, there is something wrong. Full sugar soda should be consumed in moderation. Like fountain coca cola poured over sonic ice with a fresh squeeze of lime juice. Preach.

Here is what I got: 

"For the record, if you answered four of these questions FALSE then stop lying and seek help for your sugar addiction."

That's a little harsh. I just answered all of her questions and she is calling me a liar. So how does she know I'm not lying about my sugar addiction for blog material attention? Here is my big girl moment and I'm putting this out there for all of the internet to see. S, you were right. I was eating too many chocolate fudge filled drum sticks. Print this out to save and throw in my face later. Actually, never mind. Don't do that. It might not end well.

 Anyway, ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power, blah, blah, blah. I'm switching to Skinny Cow and stepping my way down. I cut my calories in half. Everyone do a cheer. And I didn't have one tonight. Because I had a couple of glasses of wine to get me through the breakup. Regular glasses, not full bottle size glasses. You know what else goes down as easy as a nice pinot noir in the middle of July? Stir fry. (Just go with me on this one.)

Stir fry is actually a great and easy meal for the family or just the two of you or just for you. All you  need is love some veggies, add in a protein if you want, some sauces for flavoring, and best case scenario, a wok. Happy healthy Asian delights. (I think that is a meal I ordered at a Chinese restaurant once.)

Here is how our Stir Fry Night went....

Veggies: Two heads of broccoli (chopped), one red pepper, chopped shallots,
sliced garlic, and sliced green onion.

We used skirt steak marinated in soy sauce, salt, pepper, and a bit of sugar. (Addict)

Here is our rice cooker. It is making rice. It infuriates me.
I need a new one. Please send suggestions.

Seasonings: Light soy sauce, sesame seed oil, & oyster sauce (not pictured)

The broc takes the longest to cook, so it goes in the wok first
with some grapeseed oil and some soy sauce.

Shallots and garlic added.

Show me the beef.

Red pepper so they'll still have some crunch and green onion tops.

The rice is ready. Seriously, someone tell me a great rice cooker. I need it.

Here is dinner! Leftovers were amazing with a little Frank's Hot Sauce.
You could also add some Sriracha.

The reason stir fry is wonderful is because in a wok you can cook with less oils making it healthier. Also, there isn't a lot of guess work with cooking times since you cut everything up before you cook it and you can easily see how it is going. Make up your own stir fry recipes using different ingredients and sauces. It's a fun thing to cook as a couple or with older kids. 

And pour a little pinot out tonight for my homie, fudge filled drumstick. 

Pour out all of the Ramona Pinot you can get your hands on. I'll help.

 We had it good, real good. We were hot and heavy, and cold and delicious. But all good things must come to an end, and it's still bikini season in Texas.

Here's to attempting the skinnies for a little while longer. When winter comes, I won't want ice cream anyway. 

Flat tummies and skinny cow fudge pops,

- RT

Like the Raising Texas Facebook page and share posts as we try to build fans. When we hit 50, the person with the most shares gets a Goode Co or Royer's Pie!! I promise it's worth it.