$$ ALERT: I Just Lost my First Million....$$

Before I ever even had a chance to make it. It's a shame to do this at such a young age. I AM young, you shut up about it. 30 is the new 25. Because really, I don't care to be 20 again. It would be exhausting and cost way too much. Back on task, I was cruising the net earlier (that's what the cool kids say) and came upon something that made me go like this:

Helllllooooooooooooooo Kitty.

I like to tell myself that I'm an "Idea Man" or "lady" and I have had some great ideas. My idea problems lie mainly in the area of execution, but that's a story for another  blog. Here is an email I sent to a few friends while pregnant. It is brought to you now by the power of gmail search:

Exhibit "A":

Email from November 2010.

"SO they make this amazing thing for people who look fat and not pregnant but are pregnant (read: me).  It's called a Be Band and it looks like this:

I really think I might incorporate this into my every day wardrobe even when I'm not pregnant. I bought it at 12 weeks preg thinking that 100% I was going to "pop" the next week since I was in my second trimester and I would obviously need it with everything. I don't have a bump yet and I also feel like January 2nd fat. Like you just ate and drank for an entire month (plus week) and it's time to start a diet/ workout regime/New Year's resolution.   

So I went to brunch on Sunday and was planning to eat a lot since drinking is out. I have really missed a cute pair of jeans that are the smallest size I have ever worn and I bought them about a year ago when I was in the skinnies. Be Band has given me these jeans back. This is genius. I think everyone should own it. You basically leave your pants UNZIPPED and put the band over it to keep them up. There are a ton of things that are "too small" that I can wear now. This thing is amazing and basically just looks like the bottom of an undershirt if you can see it at all. So my second favorite thing to do with the Be Band is put it in my purse. My pants fit in the morning. This is a fact. After I eat lunch... well they kind of don't. God I feel fat, I mean pregnant. But anyway.. I come to work, do my morning things, eat lunch, work a little more and then slip off to the bathroom to install the Be Band. My afternoon of possible procrastination instantly gets better. 

So because I wish I had known about this before I was pregnant (seriously, especially the black one, I would have worn it constantly) I am sharing this news. This would be great for when you are up 5lbs, want to wear some tight pants that might be just a little too tight, or want to be extra comfortable, but still cute. They should make one of these for everyone.

The Be Band. Believe it."

The other night I came upon an infomercial for this exact product and I knew I had missed the boat. And then I REALLY knew I had missed the boat when I googled tee shirt extender. Someone in the world of idea moms has been tracking my emails because all of these magical Be Bands for non preggos appeared in 2011. I was busy having a baby and things, and other stuff, etc.

Here is the best part though, the pure smarts of their marketing and takeover ploys... they are putting it on SKINNIES!! I mean "tee shirt extenders" (lame name by the way) were made for bloating, too much dessert, winter padding, and lazies. But everyone is now trying to pretend like it's all just for the skinnies. 

"I need a "hip-T" just because wearing an actual cami underneath my shirt is exhausting."
Love, thin waist model above

Who really needs this product?? This girl:

"Send Be Bands & tee shirt extenders... and some jeans from this decade... and a camel toe cover."
Love, Muffin Top

I see a tiny thin waist in this product and I think to myself, eh. No way this looks good on me or fixes my problems. Especially when they offer it in Ed Hardy flavor. I just threw up in my mouth. How I would have sold this product to you lovely ladies (& gents) is by showing you a photos like this: 

Before Band.

After Band

See? You would totally buy that. I would have made big $$$, but now I'll have to figure out some other amazing idea. It will come. I'm full of shit greatness. Also, shape-wear is EVERYWHERE these days. You especially know this if you are a RHONY fan. Jill - Skweez shape-wear line, Bethenny - Shape-wear line, and most recently, Heather - kicked all of them to the curb with her world wide celeb shape-wear line, Yummie Tummie. Side note: does anyone else want to kill her when she says "Holla" in the opening credits?

I'm going to work right now creating another product that will make us all look like Iman. Then I'll come back to let you all know:

-RT

Surprise! I am actually Kate Middleton

Aren't you kind of shocked? Me too. Just to rehash, this blog is 80% about easy healthy eating. This post falls into the other undefinable 20% that we are gambling on together. So back to me being Kate Middleton. Incidentally, this has nothing to do with the "Prince of our Hearts" YM Magazine I recently found stashed away in my childhood closet. It has to do with the rewearing of fancy dresses. 

I also used up those love tarot cards. Oh, and the 24 clues to snag your crush were a total fail.

We are leaving town yet again for a wedding in Louisville. Weddings are fun when you get to leave town and see people who you don't see often, oh, and also when you are not pregnant and can drink the appropriate amount to really enjoy the wedding and dance you ass off. What I HATE about out of town weddings is packing. This problem is easily solved when it is a wedding for a friend of mine. Usually in these cases I bombard my friends H & L with photos of me trying on dresses and trying to pick out shoes from my limited shoe collection and they help guide me or give me the approval that I am seeking and not getting at home. They both live really far away. Depressing. But they put up with me. That's why they are members of the BFC. 

Best Friends Club. Snuggles forever.

This particular wedding is for one of my husband's friends. So I'm depending on him to help me feel out the tone of the events and my appropriate attire. As much as I wish I could just run to the store and pick out a new dress for every event (and I really REALLY do wish this) I have to buy things like tiny bathing suits and baby Toms in every color (thanks D) so I don't really have the budget. I head to the bedroom and turn into Kate Middleton and prepare to rewear.

Unfortunately I am missing the perfect amount of fancy hats to make my dresses like new.

The first dress I try on is a fuchsia strapless DVF party dress I got for H's wedding 4 years ago. It has a full skirt and pockets and is super comfy. I like to think through my wears. It had one hit with my college group, one hit for NYE with a large group of Houston friends, one hit for a wedding with a different group of Houston friends, and the last group standing is S's college group. I pair it with some shoes and walk into the living room ready for some feedback feeling like this: 

Work it.

Response: "what are you doing?" 

RT: trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to the wedding.

Silence

RT: So? 

"I like that dress."

Ok. What did I expect? He likes it. That's fine.

I head back into the bedroom and find another cocktail dress that I bought for my father's 70th birthday in the midst of my good skinnies before I had a baby and after I did a two day protein fast. It zipped, which was a start, but I knew it was a little tight over my chest. I was feeling a little like this:

I didn't wait for a response. I went for it so I could point it out first.

RT: This one's a little tight on my chest, right?  

"Yeah, it looks kind of weird. Also, the fabric is bunchy. And I can see your stomach and like where your belly button is."

silence

RT: Well in real life I would be wearing Spanx and they would make those two things disappear. 

"Oh"

I felt like this:

Usually I would love to feel like Blake Lively, but this is a fail.

Failure and an unprovoked additional response. I head straight back to my bedroom. Maybe the sisterwives have it all figured out. They get to live with other women for the rest of their lives. They never have to ask their husband for advice on proper attire. They just put on their prairie dress and braid their hair and go to town. But really, I miss living with my girlfriends. When you have an awful night where you feel fat in every outfit, you can pick out something better from their closet. When you don't know if your shoes are too boring (probably) or too matchy matchy, they will tell you. When you have the wrong purse for your outfit, they will pick one out for you. They will also make great getting ready to go out mixes that have oukast and britney on them. They will also drink everclear daqueries at home on a Saturday night with you in sweat pants. Shout out JJ. Best Friends' Club.

I try one last dress on and end up with a major idea. Our friends are getting married in August and they are having a 2pm ceremony and a 5pm reception. I could wear two dresses and have time for two totally different looks. This idea really excites me so I put on what would be my "ceremony look" and head back out to the living room. I felt like this, but in a cute dress:

S: "You know the wedding is outside and it is going to be really hot."

RT: this is for the other wedding. I thought I would do an outfit change and wear this to the ceremony and THEN (big reveal) wear a DIFFERENT dress to the reception. Maybe with different hair? 

S: "Ok"

silence

RT: Doesn't that sound fun? 

S: "Sure, if you want to."

This ended the fashion show. I went back to the bedroom, opened my suitcase and threw in about 6 dress options for Saturday night. I'll have time on Thursday and Friday to snag some of the ladies and get their opinions. Because if I think about putting on another outfit and walking into the living room I imagine it going something like this:

And for the reception, I was thinking an understated pale pink...

Yours as ever in the loyalty of the Queen, 

Kate Middleton

- RT